for one kopi, i have to get reprimanded for that way? wat the hell is this……..

look beyond my facade, and you’ll realise how different i may be.

it’s sad to know, sometimes, that even with the closest people around, one has to put on a facade.

recently, i’ve had talks with my brother and my mum about where do they want me to be after my graduation. to come back? or stay in Australia? or maybe, head somewhere else to work for a year or 2. my original intentions were to stay in Australia, find a job, and come back in a year or 2. but that thought has always been tentative, dependent on my dad’s health. these days, it became clearer that i want to come back to singapore because i could see my dad’s declining health each and every time i’m back. however, it occurred to me that, “hey.. you’ve been out for so long.. coming back will probably be difficult to adjust since you’re so used to the freedom and independence you get overseas.”. it’s great that my family and friends will be around me, actually, beyond great! it’s absolutely awesome. but, there’s something inside that i cant quite pin-point that somewhat sways towards staying overseas. i dont know what it is and why’s that so. it’s frustrating to know something but, at the same time, dont know about it.

sometimes, i wonder if it’s because i’m afraid to get on to the next phase of life after graduation whereby i need to make decisions for myself that i may or, may not like. other times, i wonder if it’s because i feel i dont belong anywhere. not in Singapore, not in Australia, not in Canada. my friends joke about how i’m not a Singaporean anymore because i dont know where some “common” places are and how i don’t know many of the things that goes on in Singapore. well, these doesnt really define whether someone is really Singaporean or not, but it seems to affect how Singaporean one is somehow.

to be honest, i dont know wat i wanna do and where i wanna end up at. it’s distressing.. sigh… “be true to yourself and go with wat you think is right for yourself.” that’s these are words i say to my friends when they are facing a dilemma.. but i dont wanna end up disappointing people close to me because of my selfish decision.

the things that happened recently, made me realise and acknowledge a number of things.

1. family will always be my priority.

they are the ones who saw us grow and nurtured us into who we are today. they (parents) are the ones who provided us with a shelter to live under, clothes to keep us warm, food to keep us alive, and money to maintain our needs and heed our wants. they are the ones whom we know we can rely on when everything around us seem to fall apart. they are the ones whom we should take care of as they age, as their health declines, as they lose their autonomy to do basic chores to keep them alive. because we’re family, we know we share the same blood running through our veins. because we’re family, we’ll always be there for each other. and for me, family is my priority, and will always be.

2. anger is irrational. patience is a virtue.

anger is irrational when we don’t know the reason behind why we’re experiencing this emotion. something definitely triggered that feeling of angst. but what exactly did? and why are we so affected by what happened? if we dont know why or what’s the cause of the anger, it is irrational.

patience, on the other hand, is a virtue. something that should be learned. which is why im learning, still. the patience to explain things to people when my emotions are heightened. the patience to wait and not spout strings of vulgarities during the process. the patience to listen to others when they are saying something personal… and so on.. with patience, one will learn a lot more things about their surroundings, themselves and others.

3. words have more weight to them than we think.

words, like a bucket of water poured onto the floor, cant be taken back once it’s out. by saying something when you’re angry or upset, you have the tendency to say hurtful words, and probably, the ugliest of things one can say to another. and these words can scar the person for a longer period of time than we would possibly know. we have our times when we said something that was meant to be a joke and someone gets affected/offended because of our lack of sensitivity towards certain issues. therefore, think before you speak. words do weigh a lot, so much that sometimes, even “sorry” dont work because the pain cant be erased.

4. silence may not always be the best solution to a problem but, it’s always the best way to avoid further misunderstandings.

while some people like to settle an argument straight out, others like to be left alone to think and rationalize. silence is, in this case, the best bet. you do not want a scenerio whereby the argument gets blown out of proportion just because of heightened emotions and careless words. keeping quiet does not mean that you are weak or nonchalant, it just means that you are mature enough to take a step back to think about the problem and, to reflect how you can better solve the solution by not adding fuel to the fire. while many don’t realise, silence is, the best weapon anyone can carry in an argument.

these four things what i’ve been learning to acknowledge during these past months. i still do get angry and say things i don’t mean. i still do get impatient and do things i know arent the way to solve the problem.  but, like i said, i’m learning. learning to keep my temper in. learning to walk away from a situation that i know would piss me off further. learning to ignore what isn’t my business and just keep quiet. hopefully i’ll make a good progress with it. this post shall be my constant reminder. it shall be.

Hi beer! You’ve been utterly missed! Hey mahjong, are you craving for my touch as much as I’m craving yours?!
HOLA sexy, you are sooo going to be pounced on tonight!

Grand plan for tonight, mahjong and drink till it’s time for my flight to Sydney!

i understand it hurts and how one will attempt to find excuses for their partners faults. what i cannot understand is how they seem to be able to find all sorts of excuses for their partners faults in such a way that they blame themselves for every single thing, to the extent that they are so belittled and low on self-esteem to the point that they just dont seem to be the person whom they are suppose to be. and when that happens, and i see it happening, i can’t help but to speak the obvious “truths” from an outsider perspective, in their face. i give little to zero sugarcoating of words and just go straight into making the statements that i think is right.

a talk with a friend last night about his relationship problems allowed me to learn some stuff about a relationship. made a mental note that in my future relationship(s), i must not take whatever my partner did/does for me for granted. the dynamics of having two people together is very different from just being single. as much as we dont want to change ourselves, changes are bound to occur because of the difference and similarities of two individuals. a relationship can either make you or break you. to make things work, changes sometimes seem to be the option. but i have to point out that one’s individuality defines who the person is, not the relationship. a relationship is suppose to allow you to build on your character, find your strengths and weaknesses, understand yourself better and, know how far will your independence will bring you.

i finally understand wat Mum said.. never move into a place with someone unless you both are married. occasional stayovers for awhile is fine, but really moving into a place with someone is not. your personal space is very important. during a fight, at least there’s somewhere you can run back to without having to face the continual tension in the same room. there’s a reason why only married couples move in together. these huge commitments are not to be taken lightly.

but today, im sure im warm on the outside but cold on the inside.

if something goes wrong, or if i’m hurt.. i’ll be upset. i’ll cry. but i’ll move on. within a short period of time.. mind you, it’s not that i don’t care at all. by not allowing myself to hurt for too long is how i cope with my emotions.

the ability to pull myself out emotionally from a situation allows me to assess the situation much clearly than when im at the peak of my emotions; and emotions get in the way for logical thinking (not that i really am damn logical though).

emotional detachment has became my strength.  and i like the way i am now. much more than i did 5 years ago.

Some say i’ve changed, but my reply to them was, “who doesn’t?”

to be beautiful is to be yourself. you dont need to be accepted by others. you need to accept yourself.

-Book of Quotes

Either way, you’re stepping on my toes so don’t thing you’ll get away with it. I promise you, you’ll see a crazy bitch on the run.

Disrespect and inconsideration are no-nos when it comes to my family. If you’re going to take advantage of people’s kindness and reciprocate with such “gratitude” of yours, please be prepared for the repercussions. I’m not gonna take shit like that. And I promise you, I’m not good keeping my anger in given my short fuse and massive temper. So you’re gonna have a ball of a time when I do erupt. Actions speak louder than words, hell yeah. I’ll do before I speak. However, being the kind soul as I am, 2nd chances are permitted. Hence, after the 1st “session of civilised talk”, may you wake up your idea and not be such a pea-brainer. Thank you very much.

Oh, and just in case you think we’re fools. Don’t take us for one. I’ll do anything, and I do mean anything, to protect wat’s most important to me. Even if it means I have to become the crazy, ridiculous maniac, I will. So DON’T attempt to make a fool outta yourself instead just because I can’t bitch slap and kick you in your fucking face (while dirtying my own feet) now.

That being said, I’ll avoid anything to ruin my current ties. involvement won’t be in my dictionary… For now. But if needed, I will not run from confrontation as such.

Enjoy your little game while you can yea? You may have won the battle, but I’ll win the war.

and it doesnt help that my back is aching so badly these days.

doesnt help either that this back ache of mine comes from sitting down for too long while i’m studying.

doesnt help even more when this back ache is giving me a headache.

damn it. the temptation to go back to lie down on my bed to rest is so strong. but i dont have time to not study when exams start on the 15th.. yes, next tuesday. oh Buddha, please help me through this since my own physical body isnt helping.