When my parents first spoke to me about the birds and the bees,
mom told me, “you must find someone who loves you more than you love him.”
dad said to me, “you must find a guy who will love you for who you are, as well as love the people around you.”
when i got a little older,
mom told me, “if a guy really loves you, he will not mind waiting for you.”
dad said to me, “it doesn’t matter if a guy is poor when you first get together with him. as long as he’s dilligent and he’s actively working towards his goal (not exaggerating and totally out of the world kind), and you’re sure he can bring you happiness, it will be ok.”
then, came the time when my parents opens up and permits me to have a boyfriend,
mom asked me, “do you have a boyfriend?”
i said, “no”
she continued, “are you dating someone?”
again, i said, “no”
she persists, “do you like someone?”
i kept quiet.
and she told me, “if you are planning to date him, send a picture of him to us. we’ll help you see if he’s suitable for you. your dad’s good with (Kan4 Xiang4)”
but dad said to me, “you can try dating someone. but remember, you must always move forward and dun look back on the past.”
was chatting with a friend of mine who just got married, and is 17 week pregnant.
which triggered thoughts like what will i be doing in the near future? what will i be doing at her age? what will i be doing when i graduate? ultimately, what do i plan to do in life.
will i be married? who will i marry?
will i be married to someone whom i love? or someone whom i have been with for a couple of years, and we marry eventually because we’re at the age to?
i sincerely hope it’ll be someone i love and can’t get enough of. see, i always have this idea about how relationship should work for me.
as long as he sets realistic goals and work towards it, is dilligent, can provide for us, loves me and my family, and we can’t get enough of each other, then it’ll probably work out. of course such simplistic thoughts are only put into words briefly this way. it’ll take a long time if i were to really discuss it.
conclusion: i dun wan love to eventually be responsibility. i want a partner who will hold onto my hand while we’re strolling along the beach and tells me he loves me, when our hair turns white and skin goes wrinkled.
but will i be able to find someone like that? even if i did, will my parents approve of my relationship?
a story to share…. a story i dun speak of…. a story that’s pretty much forbidden to be brought up within my family….
7 years ago, i fell head over heels for a guy. but we were always quarrelling, because he was what you’ll refer to as a male chauvinist who likes his girlfriend to be this or that, and i was a girl who appears to be indifferent and couldnt stop telling lies. since i was young, my parents naturally didnt want me to date anyone at all, so as to protect me. then, came the first time my secret was openly exposed because someone told my mom about my relationship after she heard our quarrel. interpreting our english words wrongly, she told my mom about wat he said. that was when things started to truly crumble between my parents, him and i. i was ordered to never see him again. but, i lied to my parents and continued the relationship. it was ok for awhile, until my mom noticed my frequent night calls. the confrontation came for the 2nd time. already, my parents couldn’t trust me. disappointed as they were, they still gave me another chance to breakup with him. this time, i did try to initiate. but it wasnt after several days before we were back together again. we tried eeping things under wraps by going on only occasionally during weekends, or him coming to my school to look for me and keeping calls to the minimum. it worked. but somehow, i was still found out. furious, dad threatened to throw me out of the house. refusing to speak to me after, and there i was, grounded. but me being the stubborn me, somehow, we still continued the relationship. until secondary 4. even though he lived in the west, he still made every effort to come to my school or meet at the library in my neighbourhood to tutor me after finding out i failed each and every one of my subjects for my prelims because i didnt study. o levels came and gone in a flash. finally, it was the time to release the results. it wasn’t good, i was disappointed. however, proud that my Math improved from an F9 to a B3 – first time i passed my math after barely making it for my PSLE and failing it in every test in secondary school. this was the time when, my decision to go to a Canadian high school was finalised.as an adolescent then, i said and did a ton of stupid things which hurt myself and the people around me. to be honest, self-inflicted pain was not new to me at that period of time as i was confused and always depressed bout a lot of things. so, a few days before i left for Canada, he and i had a huge quarrel and i self-inflicted pain on myself. i’ve a dinner appointment to attend with my mom, and because of that, i wasn’t allowed to get out of the house during the day. (my mom was really strict with me because she knew i’m dating him even if she didnt expose me) i sneaked out while she was showering, telling her to head to the dinner first. i’ll be there soon. eventually, i was late for the dinner, mom was furious, he was furious. but his anger was driven at the fact that i resorted to self-inflicted abuse because i was caught between both of them and felt helpless. he called, had an argument with my mom. and that was it. everything collapsed on me at once. from a few days, it became few hours, and then few minutes before i jet off to Canada. he came to send me off. dad, mom, uncles commented about how rude he was because he did not greet them at all and showed a face that’s filled with a whole lot of negative emotions. but how was he to be happy when he had to send me off to somewhere so far away? how was he to act so freely in front of all of the adults present when he felt awkward about the argument that happened a couple of days ago? after a hug, we broke up. memories with him were precious. maybe because we went through a lot together. maybe because he was my first true love. maybe because he was the one i was with for 3.5 years. but i loved him despite everything he did because i wasnt perfect myself. in front of my parents, i may be the good daughter, albeit extremely rebellious. but in front of him, i was someone else. many perceive him as someone who’s self-centered, uncaring, a jerk, and anything negative. especially from a parent’s viewpoint, nothing can be good about a guy 4 years older than i am who’s from a total different school getting together with their daughter who was only turning 14 then. but behind that facade, it was a lot of care and concern, a lot of effort, a lot of willingness. a private individual who doesnt like people to know anything more than the superficial. a private individual who finds it difficult to talk about himself and opens up only to a few, even so, not entirely. this was the guy i knew. this is the guy i remember of him to be till this day.
7 years ago, we were young and ignorant. individuals unable to control their temperament.
we can’t go back to the past to undo the mistakes. but we can mend the mistakes and untie the knot from the past.
i look forward to the day my parents move on from the past and forgive. i look forward to the day i find someone i love so deeply, with my parents aprroving of my relationship.
i definitely look forward to the day where i walk down the red carpet with the one i know will hold my hands while strolling in a park telling me he loves me when we’re both nothing but frail old loving couple.
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